It’s the tried and tested way isn’t it? Possibly the reason for the low divorce rates in the old days.

However, TKL says it works 70% of the time and he is advising the remaining 30% to think ‘out-of-the-box’ and go for the 1 in 3 approach. To me, it sounds more like a remedy (if I can call it so) for the desperate.

Good news for the govt though.

Attracting girls are very different these days. You need to charm a girl, & confidence is really important. A girl gets turned on by a confident guy. A guy does not exude much confidence if he needs someone else to do the job for him.

Imagine juggling 3 role-playing video games with tremendous at one time. When are you going to really get into one of the games? It’ll take far too long. I’d rather concentrate on one game, finish it, & move on to the next. If a relationship doesn’t work out, move on, & you will emerge stronger & more ready for your next one.

Comments edited by moderator: Please don’t engage in name-calling. Tks.

Kaffein> Thanks! I’m sure you will be too :)

SMKTan> “I made this suggestion to young people, “Have three steady friends. Do not have only one steady friend. It is too risky. You are likely to make the wrong choice”. This is what has happened to Alice”.

Kaffein> Wouldn’t advise to 3 steadys. I think TKL meant steady good friends (I hope). That’s what I affirm: 2-3 good friends whom you can be at east with yourself in front of them. No pretense, talk everything under the sun, when you feel down, the first thought is to share your feelings with him/her, etc

Just good friends.

SMKTan> Your suggestions on group outings and not to jump into a relationship is also in opposition of TKL’s suggestion – don’t you think?

Kaffein> Yeap. Sometimes being in a group will allow you to the ‘other’ side of a person – how he is in public, how he relates to his and your friends.

Then when you meet you on a single date, you might find him different. Then you might want to ask if he is for real or just wayang in a single date. We do wear various hats in front of different groups of people. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong/not good, but it’s for you to decide if he/she is for real during the date.

No harm going for a couple more dates then :)

Kaffein

And anyway, why stop at 3 good male friends when you can have 5 good male friends? Take your time to get to know these guys ladies!

2. 2 strangers going to a match-maker in the hope of falling in love and getting hitched is ok. Although it is also recipe for a rushed wedding and eventually unhappy marriage because both did not get to know each other well before exchanging wedding vows.

“If you like a particular person, it is helpful to get an independent person to help you to make a match.” —-> is a lil like getting my neighbour to ask another guy out on my behalf. NO WAY! Imagine guys…this happening to you – you will flee first, no matter how gorgeous the woman may be.

How many of you here married someone who told you she loves you before you had the chance to say it to her? How many of you married a woman cos she sent you flowers first? I am betting 1 out of probably 10.

Times have changed, but the biological “set-up” of a man has not. The principle of TELL HER IF YOU LIKE HER doesn’t work if it’s the woman doing admitting or confession.

The real-life matchmaker serves you like a royalty whereas the online matchmaker is “self-service”. If you’re hoping that the government helps in love matters, it won’t happen. And if it does, it is always with an M element – money.

Today’s real-life matchmaking service (ie. those who promote them through community centres) are discriminating. Against looks or age.

the truth of the matter is that sg is too brutal and too cruel a place to make the wrong choice. girls are always unapproachably distant and each and every young person must choose the ‘best’ they can, and pick over everyone with a fine toothed comb.

To find an ideal mate, it’s better YOU work at making yourself more desirable. Not by earning lots of money or becoming very handsome or pretty. If that were the formula, Hollywood won’t be full of broken marriages. No, we make ourselves more desirable by getting our inner world in order, becoming more reliable, responsible and dependable. Jerry Maguire was wrong. A husband or wife does not “complete” you. You need to be complete before finding a mate.

Just my 2 cents.

The comment I made about having to choose one steady out of 3 came from TKL’s suggestions which i reproduce here: . . . . .

“I made this suggestion to young people, “Have three steady friends. Do not have only one steady friend. It is too risky. You are likely to make the wrong choice”. This is what has happened to Alice”.

Your suggestions on group outings and not to jump into a relationship is also in opposition of TKL’s suggestion – don’t you think?

You wrote> As far as I can understand, asking could be a one time thing and presto! you get what you asked for – no more, no less, like in Olivia’s case. This is a pure case of divine intervention – of course I am not implying there is no hard work required by Olivia and her other half to sustain the marriage.

Kaffein> This article helps others to find a partner in life, not how to cultivate a marriage. So my comments in alongside TKL’s writings. I’m not saying it is a sure guarantee success.

You wrote> Kaffein mentioned some key words: “Er, maybe I’m blessed” . . . indeed you are blessed. Tell me then, did you have to have three steadies to get to know THE one?

Kaffein> Did I ever mentioned steadys or being a two/three -timer in my comments? What I had written was: keep to 2-3 friends whom you sense can move beyond just friendship towards a relationship.

That means not ‘leading’ these people on. I’ve mentioned being sincere, so when a particular friend asks, be truthful and frank. If he/she reacts otherwise, eg jealous, etc, well, maybe that person too wants moved deeper than friendship. Then you may want to consider to drop the other two and spend more time with him/her to cultivate that friendship towards a relationship.

Unfortunately there is no formula into starting a relationship. There are too many variables, purely because humans are involved.

For me, yes, I kept 3 people close to myself. Of course one of whom is the girl I married.

You wrote> Did you have to break two hearts to get one? This is selfish and very self-centered. It might have something to do with the ego too.

Kaffein> I didn’t ask anyone to lead people on. Stick to group outings and you’ll probably won’t put yourself and your ‘friends’ in a fix. Neither did I ask anyone to jump into a relationship and then to pull out later.

For most of my comments, I keep stressing sincerity. That means no pretense, no lying, no leading on only to backout. Just friends but with intention towards a relationship. Sometimes you do lose a good friend because the other did not respond according to your intend.

Ego? heh… it went down the drain the moment I took a risk to ask the nice girl (now wife) out.

Kaffein

As far as I can understand, asking could be a one time thing and presto! you get what you asked for – no more, no less, like in Olivia’s case. This is a pure case of divine intervention – of course I am not implying there is no hard work required by Olivia and her other half to sustain the marriage.

Kaffein mentioned some key words: “Er, maybe I’m blessed” . . . indeed you are blessed. Tell me then, did you have to have three steadies to get to know THE one? Did you have to break two hearts to get one? This is selfish and very self-centered. It might have something to do with the ego too.

Being a Christian, I will like to quote this story where Peter walked on water. No man has performed that miracle except for Peter. And Peter had the joy and feeling because he stepped out of the boat. Because he opened his mouth (this time at the right time) to ask Jesus if he could come. Jesus said, “Come.”

For all the other 11 disciples, they can say all you want. They had missed the greatest adventure in their lives. They never experienced because they never opened their mouths and ask.

Likewise for relationship communications, don’t be afraid to open your mouth and ask. The most you receive is a busted ego.

Er, maybe I’m blessed. Me – stout, short at 1.65m. Wife? 1.71m, slim, gorgeous and pretty. Did you think I was successful with the first asking? How about this woman (now my wife) telling me our relationship cannot last >3 months?

Well, I married her. Indian saying goes somewhat like: man marrying a taller woman is a blessed man. I say amen and thank you.

No tricks, lah. Be sincere and be yourself.

Cheers,
Kaffein

PS. I often wonder as I walk along Orchard Road: how come all the chio girls end up with some ‘ugly’ guys? Because these guys got guts to ask.

The traditional approach is not a success for the 70% either. Look at the divorce rate, which has been increasing over the years. Maybe, if they tried my “out of the box” approach, it would have led to a better outcome.

Some people were successful with the “asking” approach. Well done. It does work for some people, but may not work for others. It has its risks as well (i.e. confidence trickseters).

Different approahces may work for different people. We need diversity. Happy dating.

pleinelune, you are very funny. What so hard to have 3 close friends at the same time? Must it always be a date between 2 members of the opposite sex?

I am inclined to agree. On that it’s a rather badly written article. My reason for this is that it assumes that people who find it tough to maintain friendships with three people concurrently “always do things in the same way”.

Is it really that simple?

Another reason is not really mine… Let me explain. A friend has said this before, that he would never be able to “like” a friend he’s known all along that way. So yeah. There are people like this. This method – not gonna work for them.