Photo: Many gays who went through Choices Ministry gave up the pursuit of opposite-sex relationships. Courtesy of Mumblegum / Creative Commons
Terence Lee / Deputy Editor
In this four-part series, the writer explores the idea of conversion therapy and the notion that Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Transgendered (LGBT) people can change, if they choose to do so.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Clarification |
So did Mr Lung successfully change his gender identity? Not quite, he says. But the advertising creative consultant believes that he is on his way there.
While he still displays residues of his feminine behaviour, he no longer struggles with same-sex attraction so much, he claims. And when it comes back, he is able to let it pass most of the time.
“It is important to talk about your feelings, attractions, and struggles with someone. You need to let it out. As for me, suppressing my desires didn’t help at all. In fact, it made me feel worse, and actually exacerbates the problem,” he says.
Mr Lung compartmentalises the attraction he feels into two parts. The first is psychological, and for that, he seeks out intimate relationships without involving sex. The second is pure physical attraction. Overcoming that takes pure willpower, he admits, and there are times where he “succumbed to temptation” by masturbating.
But he has long given up on sexual relationships with men.
While he has not quite switched over to the other side, he does see some progress in his fight against same-sex attraction. Sexual intimacy with women, which he used to think was “unnatural”, has now become a “possibility”.
“Who knows, maybe such a relationship could be in the pipeline?” he muses.
As a founder of Liberty League, he has also been helping many individuals deal with sexuality issues. But he insists that his organization does no counseling or therapy. It caters to people of all religions as well.
“We function more like Alcoholic Anonymous,” he says.
Mr Lung had been involved as a facilitator at Choices in the 1990s for five years, although his involvement was rather scant due to his busyness. But he does believe that a person can change his sexual orientation, pointing to the fact that some of his gay friends have gotten married to women.
He tried to change but couldn’t
However, a chat with 31-year-old Ow Chien Yeat tells a different story.
Speaking to The Online Citizen at the TWG Tea Salon at Republic Plaza, Mr Ow is skeptical that gays can truly change.
This certainty, however, does not come presumptuously to him.
A model Christian by all accounts, he attended Hebron Bible-Presbytarian Church in his youth, and was even considered to be trained as a Bible study leader for NS guys. However, Mr Ow struggled with one problem: He had his first crush on a boy since five years old, and has never liked a girl in his life.
Dressed in a blue long-sleeved shirt and grey pants, he looked just like any other executive in Raffles Place. He speaks with breezy ease, punctuating a sentence once in a while with musical laughter.
“In fact, you can’t really tell who’s gay and who’s not unless your ‘gaydar’ is up. You do know what a ‘gaydar’ is, do you?” he asks, proud to initiate this reporter into what he calls “the world of homosexuals”.
Later on, he gushes about how girls would come to him for boyfriend advice, his voice rising in excitement and complemented by vigourous gestures as he recounts the conversation.
“Oh yes indeed how do you understand so much about him?” he says, imitating in a high voice what his girl friends would tell him after he dispenses relationship advice.
Bubbly and opinionated on the surface, one could never guess the amount of torment he used to went through as a gay.
When recounting the past where he rejected his homosexuality, Mr Ow’s tone became somewhat serious, although no less animated.
“I used to get depressed easily. It’s like I’m given this urge to love but I can’t love the way I want to because they say it’s wrong,” he recalls.
Suicidal thoughts started coming to him, but he did not go around doing it because he believed people who commit suicide would not go to heaven.
“I even bought the reasoning that it was a cross I had to bear. After all, what is 80 years of torment compared to an eternity burning in hell?” he says.
The depression he suffered before he came out had severe effects on his life. He seldom went out with friends, because he did not want to see the “lovey-dovey” couples on the streets. He seldom exercised, and instead became overweight through excessive eating.
“I was even on the brink of having High Blood Pressure,” he says.
What goes on in Choices
He joined Choices when he was 22, and stayed on for a-year-and-a-half. However, Mr Ow felt that the programme did not help him at all.
He recounts the time when he saw the controversial banner outside COOS about how “homosexuals can change”. He was delighted about this, and eagerly signed up for the programme. However, what he went through left him disappointed instead.
He claimed that while he was at Choices, they told him that “recovery” meant an eventual conversion to heterosexuality. However, when he left the programme, they told him over the follow-up sessions that the goal all along was not heterosexuality.
“It’s a bonus for them if you change,” he says, “but the goal was really for me to suppress my desires. And for that, I felt deceived.”
During the interview, Mr Ow also recalled how the programme was like during his time there.
A session would be held every week on Thursday, which would consist of a video lesson by ex-transsexual Christian minister Sinclair Rogers, a discussion of the issues raised in the teaching in small groups, and finally a prayer session.
Also, printed materials were given out as required reading. These include “testimonies” by “ex-gays”, articles which give advice on how to quit homosexuality and write-ups which provide scientific proof that a change in sexual orientation is possible.
There was also concerted effort for the clients to take up heterosexual behaviour.
“Parties will be arranged between ex-gays and ex-lesbians in the hope that we will start dating one another. Of course, they monitor this closely,” he says.
Clients are also encouraged to take up sports like soccer and basketball, and also to hang out more with straight men. Habits and mannerisms are also constantly being corrected. Mr Ow personally finds this manageable, but his friends found it tormenting.
“No crossing your legs like Sharon Stone, no grooming yourself using the reflective surface of your watch band,” he says in a stern voice, demonstrating each action as he goes along.
End of Part Two.
In Part Three, The Online Citizen speaks to the staff at Choices, and finds out how some unsuccessful graduates of Choices finally deal with their sexuality.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Clarification |
Can you prove that there’s a ‘stupidity gene’? No? Then you can’t say people are born stupid, you are stupid simply because you choose to adopt a ‘stupid’ lifestyle!
The GLBT will tell you that being gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender is not a lifestlye, something he/she has freely chosen for himself/herself. It is not a fad nor is it a trend like the magazine covers you see from time to time where, according to the trend of the season, the skinny look, or the curvy look, or the anorexic look or whatever look, is the look of the season to adopt.
I think most of the conservatives hold this perception that GLBT is a lifestyle choice, which is not. Yes, there are some who might have shown us that they can change – but these are not the real McCoys, these are misguided ones (in the GLBT context), who had believed they were gay when they are actually not, and were able to discover later in life that they have a real attraction toward the opposite sex and not the same sex. So they ‘change’ back to who they originally were.
In case any of you think what I have just shared sounded out of this world and illogical, let me tell you that I am speaking about my own experience. I was in an industry where interactions with the GLBT community was a daily routine. This happened at a time when I was a very young man, still very much searching for my own sexual identity, being made difficult with the company I kept, which was 50% gay as much as it was mainstream. I wore makeups, eyeliners and flashy clothes ( no dresses though – whew!) etc. and experimented with loads of other gay norms – (except sexual activities) – even though I was never attracted to any of them.
My awakening came when I met the girl of my dream. The usual butterflies in the stomach, the lovery-dovey eyes and light-hearted feelings of love allowed me to discover myself for who I really was – a normal heterosexual guy. What I had went through was just a fad, very much influenced by the fashion and entertainment scenes of that time. Gay groups were so rampant and gay dressings were at its peak. I was part of a young society influenced by it – nothing more.
Imagine if I was made to believe that all these were normal and to be told that I was actually gay when I am not. My life could potentially be different from what it is today – a happily married heterosexual with a loving and beautiful family.
25) MC Harding on May 25th, 2009 3.32 am
You can’t change the sexual disposition and preference of a gay person. To me, that’s rubbish.
Science has proven that the ‘gay gene’ exists. Gay is Gay, and what’s wrong with being gay?
So the ‘gay gene’ justifies the behaviour of the GLBT?
What about those who like to have sex with both male and female? I suppose science has also proven that the ‘bisexual gene’ exists.
The Homosexual Issue had brought many experts into the Discussions, except those qualified sexuality professionals in IMH and other hospitals.
The average Singaporean is hardly bother with others sexuality except to those who see a potential mate that suits his or her taste. Homosexual was not an issue hitherto until it is made into a National Issue by the Homosexuals to have Laws governing it repealed.
Many selectively choose to discuss homosexuality by itself and stubbornly, erratically refuse to see it as an anomaly similar to other defects such as murderer, paedophile, necrophilia, sadist, thief etc. They accept the logic that any predisposed nature(natural, instinctive behaviours) of beings should not be subjected to discipline, enlightenment, punishment and correction, but, should instead be allowed to let them be, proliferate, supported and it seems; promoted(as in a rally/lobby/campaign). How do we explain for the existences Sciences, Laws and Orders, traditional virtue and values, tribal tradition and system etc in the Human World ? Are these not formulated to correct the unusual, why are conjoined twins seperated ? Are they not born naturally in that way ? Why do we slaughter other animals for food ? Are they not born to live and die naturally ?
Lastly, allow me to admit myself that i am sick, i wish and want to stop surfing the Internet, unfortunately, i seem to be addicted. Can some kind souls offer me some advice here. How i wish this is the last time i look at the computer, though i know there is absolutely nothing wrong with me getting knowledges and educated in Cyberworld. In fact i should be encouraged if not for the addiction.
I thank You all for reading.
patriot
just a short comment, i believe not all GLBTs are born that GLBT. i know of friends who were heteros, but after jaded relationships with the opposite gender, became a GLBT.
i just wish that all those hardcore conservatives can stop trying to change GLBT, especially those born GLBTs, and those “convert” GLBTs, it is their choice. Don’t force your ideology down others’ throats.
and no, science has NOT proven a gay gene, although there’re inferences between the animal kingdom and homo sapiens that homosexuality MAY be gene linked. that said, IF, you think that a 86% similarity between mouse and homo sapiens is not enough to convince you that the above mentioned inferences are worth considering, then do NOT try to convince others about your 0.5% success rate of the so-called conversion therapy of GLBTs to heteros.
When young, we need to be taught of “Values”.
“Values” determine “Actions”, not the other way round.
AWARE’s CSE has teaches mostly about “Actions”, not much on values.
Dear Patriot,
Ref: Para 3 of your comment.
Ouch!!! This is some mean comments you are posting my friend. It is rare and disappointing for me to see a man regarded as learned (at least in my personal perspective reading your past comments on other societal issues in this site) with compassion and wisdom to equate this controversial subject matter as anomaly issue with thugs, thieves, murderers and what not. What an unfounded sweeping statement you have just made.
Please spare a thought, these people are humans of the same genetic made up as we are and they have parents too like anyone of us. How do you think if parents, siblings or relatives of this group of “ignorant public stigmatized” people read your comments, how hurting can that be? Moreover, I do not think the GLBT community had commission Terence to write this four part series to seek general public acceptance. It is merely the perspective of the Author wanting to instigate viewers’ response on this subject matter and does not represent the views of the GLBT community.
IMHO, regardless of any group, an inclusive matured society should see no barrier or boundaries for people wanting to have equal RIGHTS to live their own life. Don’t you and all concerned citizenry who are trying hard to lobby for public support and government attention for our less fortunate, less well-off, deprived citizenry as well as those who had lost their jobs to FT and what not? In that same yardstick of branding you used, they also deserved to be at their dire state? Or you apply a different standard of measure like those Elitist uses? Which is which now?
Truly my friend, there is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action and the greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about. “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance”, this is a quote from the very teacher many of us had read about ~ Confucius.
Sincerely,
Observer (SG-HK)
Terence,
You said : “yes when writing the article, I was aware of this difference between transsexuals and homosexuals. However, as I wasn’t able to find another ex-gay, I had to make do with Mr Lung.”
What I’m trying to say is not Mr Lung is not ex-gay, no matter how similar ex-gays and ex-transexuals seem to you. Mr Lung can have his sex change and be a heterosexual woman and be attracted to men all ‘she’ wants, problems solved. ‘She’ can even go on and legally marry a man in Singapore. Transgenderism is recognised by most religions including Muslim clerics in so-called fundamentalist Iran (but homosexuality still carries the death penalty), but that’s another story altogether.
“As for your suggesting of renaming it an “ex-transsexual’s story”, it is not quite accurate as well. Perhaps “LGBT” will be a better term.”
There’s really no such thing as ex-LGBT.
I think what myself and Observer are trying to point out is that at no time should Leslie Lung be presented as an ex-gay, and speak as an ‘authority’ about gays and/or ex-gays by drawing on his personal experiences. There’s a ‘solution’ to his ‘problem’ but none exists for gays.
Correction: What I’m trying to say is that Mr Lung is not ex-gay, no matter how similar ex-gays and ex-transexuals seem to you.
Dear Observer(SG-HK):
Hi Sir, it’s been sometime since we last communicated, wish You are in your best in health and everything.
Youare absolutely right, i am a son, a sibling, a parent, grandparent and an uncle to many. I am brought up with discipline albeit my parents were not educated at all in any school. Underwent military/enforcement trainings in the Discipline Forces and was many years in the service industry. Was in the working world at a young age.
Those that i grow up and work with comprised of people of different upbringings, characters, races, religions and education etc. Since we are on the subject of sexuality, may i just say that like anyone else, i have friends even buddies of various hue and shade. We even teased one another over unusual or special taste of some of us. As such having live almost six decades with different type of people, including talking to those soliciting business at Changi Village and elsewhere, i have always been please of the way we tolerate and live in peace with each other.
Now, suddenly, a small group of people are crying foul over been discriminated. I have posted that even the Government of the Day and no less the Prime Minister himself have came out to declare that activity between members of the same gender are private affairs and no targetted for law enforcement. Before this, Goh Chok Tong had declared that homosexuals are acceptable in Civil Services. After all these relaxation in Laws, i would have thought that tolerant level of both the Authority and the GLBT would have notched up, but alas it was not to be. Instead all tolerance, concession and understanding become more contentious and become a National Issue.
There is a need to understand that for thousands of years and for thousand more to come, the Issue of sexuality will remain and is best left to be dealt with as it has been done in the past. It is very complex as i have posted in comments before if You have read. Sex is link to all marriages and all marriages are sanctified, it is way beyond just pleasure and satisfaction, happiness and blissfullness are the hall mark of marriages. And happiness, blissfullness need fidelity not just of the mind, the body, the physical acts need to act in tandem.
The Chinese saying that when ones’ stomach is filled, vice occupies the mind and vice(sex) is the greatest sin of all evils(Hanyu: Wan erh yin wei shou). I think it is only fair to suggest that reading up on the subject of sexual variation would be the best call that i can made. I shall make this my last post in TOC on the Subject and hope that if i had offended or hurt anyone, please be magnanimous, i ask for your forgiveness.
Yours Sincerely: patriot
Mint,
I am aware of the differences. But Choices doesn’t distinguish them, instead subjecting them under the same classification. Sy Rogers, an “ex-transsexual” himself, was instrumental in the starting of Choices programme.
The issue here is not comparing Mr Lung with the others. That is not what I’m aiming to do, because it’s like comparing apples with oranges. Rather, it is highlighting the practice of reparative therapy, and whether it purports to work like it claimed to be.
At no time have I intended to portray Mr Lung as an “ex-gay”. In the article, Mr Lung calls himself an ex-transsexual, and I thought this was clear enough. However, I must apologise if you have been mislead to think otherwise.
Patriot
You said:
‘And happiness, blissfullness need fidelity not just of the mind, the body, the physical acts need to act in tandem.’
this is where your ignorance surfaced. i kn of many GLBT couples that support and pull through with one another through thick and thin. It is not just sex.
I know of many same sex couples that have been together for years and years. And i kn of opp sex married couple that divorce within a yr of marriage.
How relationship turns out really depends on the individual and not the orientation.
Yes, u hv been around for 6 decades. But we tend to hang out with ppl of our kind – birds of the feather flock together. I will not profess I kn all. But at least we need to keep and open mind. And learn from one another before we conclude.
This is what many here asked for.
Dear Patriot,
Thanks for your well wishes and your candid response. I had to admit that I am not as well read as you are. When I decided to participate in any public discourse regardless of issues, I try to focus on the views expressed with as much rational thinking as my tiring senile brain can accommodate. I am also please to say that with your response, you have not lost a bid of wisdom in my eyes.
Yes indeed, “..all marriages are sanctified, it is way beyond just pleasure and satisfaction, happiness and blissfullness are the hall mark of marriages. “, I absolutely agreed with you on this and that faithful pledge to care for each other till death do us part should be upkeep, unfortunately, to some this may change in time. The “funny” thing though, this sanctity also applies to the group of people mentioned in this series of articles (i.e. GLBT group). I say this because of my many categories of friends (just like you are), I do have many friends whom I knew happened to belong to this group and are in very healthy relationship with their partners for decades and other than they are gay couples, it is no difference (to some degree even more loving) than many heterosexual couples that I knew for years. My friend, I shall not take the liberty to further bore you with this.
Anyway, my view points had been made and I only wish to ask fellow citizenry to exercise a little tolerance and be a little more accommodating. In any community group (I do not know whether this is the right definition), there will always be people with different values and personalities. Some are extra-ordinary loud and want to be heard and am not afraid to tell it to the world while others are more mundane (no insults intended). But beneath all that, there are always some good in us humans regardless (at least, I personally would like to view it this way before being accused of speaking on behalf of others).
We only live once and this world is a beautiful place if we only open up and take the trouble to understand each other better, regardless of religious believes, sexual orientation, society status and well being. I do not articulate well with my limited vocab (goosh I really misses school, should have listened to my mom) but I think enough had been said and its time for me to take a haitus.
Patriot sir, I thank you for your patience, understanding and as always, your contributions to this site are always appreciated. My well wishes and warmest regards to you and your family. Cheers!
Sincerely,
Observer (SG-HK)
just a short comment, i believe not all GLBTs are born that GLBT. i know of friends who were heteros, but after jaded relationships with the opposite gender, became a GLBT.
————————————————————————————————–
This kind of scenario is possible only with bisexuals, i.e. people who have innate potential to respond to both homo-erotic and hetero-erotic stimuli.
this is where your ignorance surfaced. i kn of many GLBT couples that support and pull through with one another through thick and thin. It is not just sex.
I know of many same sex couples that have been together for years and years. And i kn of opp sex married couple that divorce within a yr of marriage.
How relationship turns out really depends on the individual and not the orientation.
______________________________________________________
You’ve made an important point which needs to be emphasized over and over again.
Here is a good instance of heterosexist thinking.
We often instinctively “santify” and beautify heterosexual relationships, portraying them in terms of love, sacrifice, fidelity, romance, even “spirituality” and “godliness”.
But we reduce homosexual relationships to “lust” and “anal sex”.
We have to recognize that all carnal relationships have sex as a significant component, but there are also other dimensions (e.g. the emotional, affective, even “spiritual” aspects) as well.
Multi-dimensionality applies to both heterosexual as well as homosexual relationships.
It may shock some of us to know that gays and lesbians do fall madly, helplessly and deeply in love like the rest of mankind.
Their stories of love in the midst of social resistance and hardship – “against all odds” – are no less touching than ours, perhaps even more so, since “forbidden” love especially those with an element of “tragic” are often the most inspiring in classic love stories, such as Romeo and Juliet, and in Brokeback Mountain.
@ Morris,
thanks for pointing it out. my knowledge of GLBTs is very limited, but i certainly believe they should not be discriminated.
“But we reduce homosexual relationships to “lust” and “anal sex”.” — this is an unfortunate stereotype. most supposedly conservative people just refuse to acknowledge that it often is more than lust and *insert* sex in any serious relationships between two people, regardless of the gender.
For evidence that gays can change, see:
http://www.peoplecanchange.com/
and http://people-can-change.blogspot.com/