By Martha Lee (Dr)
Chinese New Year is otherwise known as ‘Lunar New Year’ because of the lunisolar Chinese calendar, beginning on the first day of the first month in the Chinese calendar and ends on the 15th day.
One popular tradition concerning the celebration of Chinese New Year is the presentation of monetary gifts in a red envelope or red packet (known as Hóng Bāo in Mandarin, Ang Pao in Taiwanese Hokkien and Lai See in Cantonese, and “lì xì” in Vietnamese).
The red color of the envelope symbolizes good luck and is supposed to ward off evil. The money is believed to ward off evil spirits, but more commonly regarded as an expression of well wishes and luck for the new year. It is usually in the form of a single note – in an even digit such as 10 – to avoid heavy coins, and to make it difficult to judge the amount inside before opening.
It is tradition to put brand new notes inside red envelopes. Money should not be given in fours, or the number four should not appear in the amount, as the pronunciation of the word “four” in Chinese resembles that of the word “death”, and signifies bad luck for many Chinese.
These red packets are typically given to the unmarried by the married. Believe it or not, the ability to give red packets (or free money) is considered a privilege and honour. Newly-wedded couples (especially those still in their first year of marriage) are also usually expected to be extremely generous with the amount offered in the red packets, so as to receive blessings for a blissful marriage.
If you have an big extended family, your ’bestowment of blessings’ can easily run into the hundreds or thousands which is why more Chinese couples are taking overseas vacations, spending their hard-earned pennies on themselves, and avoiding the whole holiday altogether.
This is where it gets tricky. If you are the giver: How do you know when one is married? What happens when this is a relative whom you do not know well and meet once a year in this contrived get-together? Rather than assume, do you ask? However if you broach the topic, it might come across as insensitive, offensive or downright rude.
So you ask your parents or your relatives before presenting your hongbao with the words: “Just a small gesture. Best of luck for the new year.” A more tactless person might say something along the lines of, “Will we be seeing you give hongbaos next year?” or “Don’t wait too long to get married.”
Even then it is not fail proof: You are only as accurate as the person you ask. What if the receiver is separated or divorced? How would you know? What do you do then – to give or not to give?
Many moons ago, for reasons I will not go into for this article, I was separated from my then husband, and divorced a year later. I wanted to skip Chinese New Year but at my mother’s insistence, I showed up. She claimed that my relatives knew about my situation and that nobody would question why I don’t give red packets.
She lied. I had one young niece come up to me, look expectantly at me for her red packet, only to walk away in frustration when I didn’t produce one after a long pause. From a distance, I could see that her parents were just as confused when she asked them why I won’t give her a red packet, obviously having sent her my way. I was furious. My mother didn’t tell. And later when I confronted her, she said there was no need to tell as it was none of their business – but this was at my expense!
Where was my place now? There are those who give (the married) and those who receive hongbaos (the singles). Nobody ever said what you do with those who have ‘disgraced’ the family name by getting divorced. Since red packets are intended only for the unmarried, surely you don’t want to risk inflicting any bad luck upon the giver?
Embarrassed, I swore not to attend any of these annual family reunions. I relegated myself to the position of outcast and uninvited myself since I felt there was no place for me.
Years later, attending such get-together is now a non-issue because I have made peace with past ghosts, but more importantly because I know they know and they accept me the way I am: divorced but still deserving of luck, love and blessings. I sit quietly in a corner, go through the motions of saying pleasantries and yes, I will take the hongbaos anybody gives.
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Source for Chinese New Year Facts is Wikipedia here and here;
headline picture courtesy of Wikipedia.
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Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sex educational workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.
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under any circustances..parents and kids should access the situation 1st before stretchin out their hands..afterall they are related to 1 another…
sometimes some new kids whom i don’t know comes up to me and stretched their hands..
my usual reply..crute but rude..
why? you found my lon lost spouse? wow! incredible…where your mummy..i liked to MATE her…
Great you managed to to get over it.
The child needs some lessons on how to 做人.. The kid is probably still too young to understand matters though.
On the other hand.. My mom is divorced yet she still gives out angbaos..
I feel that you probably took things a little too personally while trying not to “risk inflicting any bad luck upon the giver”. Bluntly speaking, you want face yet are unwilling to “risk bad luck”.
I would like to point out something. Chinese Teochows give 4 and 10 for Hong Baos because it represents Prosperity.
Just give that ang pow. i’m single. I also give ang pows to small kids regardless. there is no harm. traditions evolve. so should you.
Nowadays, I would say don’t worry about tradition and just give ang pow to the children (Or everybody for that matter). It’s like candy, the kids love it because it is cool to them (and the fact there’s extra money for their piggybanks). I know I used to keep the ang pows for their design and rich color. For a while, the money was really secondary. I doubt the kids even understand the luck “issues” behind the tradition. I don’t think I understand half of it and I do not care anymore.
The kids are probably too young to understand. In such cases I think it be best to bring ang baos for the uninformed, and then have a private chat with the parents after the dinner or something.
[i]
wat.?
Feb 16, 2010 2:20
Just give that ang pow. i’m single. I also give ang pows to small kids regardless. there is no harm. traditions evolve. so should you.[/i]
you are the most generous richest person in TOC forum..wah! you just give..unless you want to tell me you only have 5 nephew/nieces in total…how much $(not $$) would you placed in each angpow? you also a 1st class chinese traditonist as well..CLAP CLAP…
yesterday when i told my married niece i striked 4D on 30th nite pre chinese new year the jackpot of $26,000.. i already $pent near $8000 on the latest 55″ LED lcd panels tvs with more expenses to come when i brin my siblin to china next month(incl my niece’s mom) she asked me to save for a rainy day..i replied for what? when i passed on..i do not want to see my wealth left behin..she asked me to be a good human and donate some to charity..
i replied again..where were this charity receiver when i was in dire straits with no funds to settle all my red bills let alon fillin my monthly medical prescriptions? and even if i donate to my ole aunties upstairs..what would i get in returns? they still vote for the bloomin pap government..
Just can’t see a problem here. Even if you are divorced, why can’t you continue giving red packets? Is there a law against giving red packets? I would give and also take!
‘She lied. I had one young niece come up to me, look expectantly at me for her red packet, only to walk away in frustration when I didn’t produce one after a long pause. From a distance, I could see that her parents were just as confused when she asked them why I won’t give her a red packet, obviously having sent her my way. I was furious. My mother didn’t tell. And later when I confronted her, she said there was no need to tell as it was none of their business – but this was at my expense!’
i don’t understand this… if this was at your expense, decide at that moment whether you should tell the truth instead of listening blindly to your mum’s claim that everyone knew of your situation, then open your golden mouth and clarify the situation!
anyway a cousin of mine who is separated also gives angbaos.
Couples travel during CNY because of saving on angpows meh?Unless they spent more than 15 days abroad,they still cannot escape giving ah .
Actually if got no money,2 cent or an empty angpow envelope will also do.Last CNY,a Big BigHongkong Towkay give me a angpow with no money in it.Maybe he took the wrong one,but its the red paper that is important to me.
Divorcee can still give as usual.No dilemma.Taiwanese who are gainfully employed whether married or not use to give too .
How do you know whether one is married?Look at the figure and the eye ,very easy one..
And anyone who invite you to a so call 5 or 6,7 star hotel for a dinner…how much to give?
For me S$8.00 or S$20.00 is OK if I got no money .They can afford a 678 star hotel,thats their capability….but that does not mean that poor people like me have to share their burden.A red packet and our presence is more important to them.Doctor ,do you agree?
Divorcee is not a disgrace..how come you think like that?
To me divorcee can give angpow,but avoid giving one to a divorcee.
Be brave.How can you avoid reunion dinner becos of that?I got a suggestion.If you still do not know when to give or how much to give,give the money to me,I am most happy to help..
Yeah.. just give the hongbao.. especially when it is to a relative who is underpriviledged.. maybe you might give a bit more hongbao..
No harm giving and spread a bit of joy..
All the adults in my extended family network give red packets to kids (including singles, who are often the most generous, because they tend to be the beloved aunts/uncles).
If money is a problem, just reduce the amount in each one.
No need to get into personal complications, unless you have a thing against giving them out in principle, of course. It’s about you as an elder in the family giving your good wishes to the next generation. Like presents at Christmas.
Do you guys think it is bad manners when kids upon receiving their angpows immediately produce a pen & start making a note who the giver is on that angpow just received !
Why the meticulous book-keeping ?
Especially when these days kids don’t even bother to do a proper Chinese New Year Greeting ?! And expect angpows as a matter of course !
In my time as kids, our parents trained us to ‘bai nian’ properly to elders with mandarin oranges & the right greetings, even kneeing to the more elderly & reverent relatives … these days, they come, mutter something & eagerly search out the snacks or reach for that TV remote control….
Just some of my observation ….
“Just give that ang pow. i’m single. I also give ang pows to small kids regardless. there is no harm. traditions evolve. so should you.”
Har? Change the tradition? The tradition is the reason any ang pows are being given/received in the first place. As to “there is no harm”, see below.
I was doing my CNY visit, and I see quite a few children getting ang pows without greeting or thanking the giver. One was not even paying attention to the giver (we’re not talking about babies here, they’re like pri 3-4 kids). These kids feel entitled, and they are not grateful. That’s harmful enough for me.
If this is the direction that the tradition is “evolving”, I’d rather do away with all the fuss.
My family still does that whole traditional “bai nian” thing – we kneel, serve tea, and dutifully recite our new year greetings in mandarin (at least 3 “cheng yu”). We visit every single relative’s home (no angpow unless we go to their home).
It’s tiring, but I think that’s the fun in CNY! (Now if only we get more days off work..)
My brother is divorced but yet he gives out hongbaos to the younger
ones everyyear.
Actually there isn’t any fixed traditional rules of who should give who.
A red packet is a tradition form of blessing.
In China, I understand if you are working, ie financially independent
and even though not married, you have to give.
I am 50 but if any younger person wants to give me hongbao, I take too.
[i]My brother is divorced but yet he gives out hongbaos to the younger
ones everyyear.[/i]
out of your owned freewills you want to give..thats your priviledges
but when some1 DEMAND from you as a traditional believes…
its a different matter..
let me quote you an example from my realives experiences…..
when i gambled on 4ds/totos..my stakes are HIGH..simply because i want to hit it BIG
as we all know the chance of winnins is 10,000 to 1…
sometimes the GODs are with me..lettin me striked the top 3…
that where the problems started..when we striked we want to share our joys with our trusted closer kakis/families…yet @ the same time some leechers/overzealous selfish kinds would come to you DEMANDIN a share from you as though you OWED them….
you asked them which part of my deals/winnins are you entitled to?
their answers as usuaL would be..
aiyah why yo so stingy you win what..cannot afford to throw a table..
my replies are as usual..every month when i loss aroun $700 or more
where were YOU? and when YOU striked..you kept it QUIET act blurred..not even a kopi from you?
and if you think i am makin my story..
liked i mentioned before i just hit $26,000 this socalled ole fren says to me..hey congratulations..passed me $1,000 bucks to spend ley? my replies to him..last year your handfone number hit the 1st prize jackpot and you win $50,000.. what did you give me?
not even a cup of kopi…he lanlaned keep quiet…
angpowtaker.
haha…
Congratulation on your regular winning but that got nothing to do with angpow la..some people believe that money from 4D winning can bring them luck.You can give them a lucky 4D number to bet instead.Gong Xi Fa Cai…
.You can give them a lucky 4D number to bet instead.Gong Xi Fa Cai…
………………………….
harlor… they asked
give them 4Ds..2 digit totos…all puncik…
includin yours trulys…
p.s. came back from china…still striked consolation prize..win over $2.5k$….
hee hee
In China, you are expected to give Ang Pow as soon as you start working (and getting income).
The amount need not be a lot, and usually it’s given more as a token of “passing the luck around” than “windfall for kids”.