For most people, sex is a sensitive and difficult subject to talk about.
I have come across a man who, after 15 years of marriage, admitted that he and his wife have never talked about sex. Don’t get me wrong. They do have sex. They just don’t talk about it.
In other words, they never talked about their preferences when it comes to sexual position or technique. And because sex has become the elephant in the bedroom, I would suppose they also have never shared how they would prefer to be touched – much less ask for it. Not only have they not ventured into asking each other for feedback, they would most certainly not be coming up with new ideas of what they would like to do but have not tried any time soon.
One of my favourite sayings goes like this: ‘If you don’t ask for what you want, you will most certainly not get it.’ But the first thing is to know what it is you want. And how will you know what it is you want or like if you have never tried it?
If sex is as simple as: trying something (be it a position, technique or otherwise); seeing if you like it; doing more of it; being sure of what you want; and then asking for it, why aren’t more people doing A, B or C to get D? What is it about S-E-X that is so scary? What is about our sexuality that we are trying to (or not to) express?
The truth of the matter is: how many of us were exposed to sexuality education growing up? And I don’t mean how the sperm meets the egg. I am also not just talking about how women bleed once a month (and the men going ‘eek!’), safer sex or sexually transmitted infections. I am referring to honest conversations about all aspects of one’s sexuality including: body image, sexual orientation, values, decision making, communication, dating, relationships, etc. as well as sex as a pleasurable act.
If we haven’t had such exposure, just how do we begin to know what it is we don’t know, but should know? And just how, with this lack of sexuality education, do we talk about sex in an adult and mature manner? We can’t. We want to but do not know how.
At networking events, I have been the butt of many jokes about the nature of my work. Somebody, with X number of kids, will invariably say something to this effect: “Oh I won’t be needing any help from you. I have X kids to prove that I have no problems.”
Surely sex is more about reproduction. And just what does it say about one when a person is so quick to dismiss any kind of a conversation related to sexuality?
This brings me back to: For most people, sex is a sensitive and difficult subject to talk about.
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By: Dr Martha Lee
Dr Lee will be a regular contributor to TOC. She is the Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sex educational workshops and speaks at public events.For more information visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.
Pictures: Courtesy of Brian Ajhar of Picture Book
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Don’t worry about the current generation. Young peeps are more than happy to play air spanking while discussing the subject of sex.
I guess adults don’t really want other people to visualize their other half turned on, naked & moaning, & thus, refrain from discussing about sex with other people.
When a guy discusses sex with a girl, she might think he’s trying to get into her pants & if she’s unwilling, she’d find the guy a creep.
When a guy discusses sex with another guy, that guy might be swinging the other way, get a boner, & try to get into HIS pants.
noped i do discuss sex with my partner(s).. we tried 69/96/condoms color preferences… sometimes i used 7th month giant candles..occasionalLEE i used a peaco ck feather and ices..noped i don’t used whips..its illegal classified as dangerous weapons…
Come on Dr. Lee,please do not try to introduce those westernized sex talks into our Singapore bedrooms.For us, sex is like a nature calling,when it comes,it comes and no need to discuss about it.
@fred seang
Wait till you or your children get STDs then you will regret your not talking about it earlier. Good luck.
Hey Brendan,
Dr.Lee is not a sex education teacher and so it is not her job to tell us about STDs.Dr.Lee is a sexologist,meaning her business is to teach you and your partner/s the know hows of Karmasutras of sexual pleasures during intercourse.Why should i have to pay her for service to educate me about STDs.Common sense already tells me how to avoid STDs.I hope you have the intelligence to know the difference between the two professions.
Freds seang, I fully agree with you. No need education on this – its like shitting…oops, no wonder we have population problem. sorry – may be sexuality is link to sex…but what do I know, I am asian, no need to know la – automatic.
It’s irrelevant to link sex talks to “Westernisation”. The same argument that democracy is also West concept….sounds foolhardly.
Hellooooooo! Brendon,
Of course it is relevant to Westernization.Let me give you one example.Where did Dr. Lee get it education.Dr Lee is coached by the westerners that say that sodomy is OK btw.two heterosexual couples as it is part of your body sexual ultimate experience.Do you really want this type of coaching for your children to learn from any sexologist.Thank you
So are you trying to tar every Westerner with the same brush? as sexual perverts? That’s my point.
Like every Chinese a commie?
Dear Brendon,
Noooooooop! I won’t go that far by labeling westerners are perverts.However,i would like to describe their sexual life-styles and cultures as being excessive permissiveness.Why would you want your children to learn from westernized sexologists about sticking fingers into their sexual partner/s’ anus looking for the ‘G’ spot.Simply this is not the type of ‘western fun’ for you and i and our children to emulate.Have a nice day.
Why no mention about our very own Neo Jerker’ affair with 11 women? Because he is “higher mortal” izzit? Scared to get sued? Tell me, which is more despicable - experimenting or comitting adultery esp. when you are already married with a family???? So this goes to show your argument about Western values fall apart and not valid. I’ll leave you with that. Good Night.
And I wouldn’t go as far as saying that experimenting is OK either, but playing with prostitutes especially when you are married is a total no-no. But instead we got a yo-yo from Georgie!
Heh Heh .What is this all about?Something to do with TOC meh?But I very open one.Lets talk.Very sorry to say that many of you are so pathetic that need someone to teach you all how to make love.
Sex is more about reproduction?
Brendan ,married men playing with prostitute a total no no meh?
Dr.,U came across a man who after 15 years of marriage never talk but have sex with his wife.
Listen,today you got a chance to interact with me who is married for 20 years and do not have sex with my wife for 19 years.She allow me to visit prostitutes.For those who are shy and do not know how to make love ,you can oso learn from a prostitute.Very professional ,productive and experience one.Docter got only one mouth to give lecture.They can use 2 mouth to teach.Very practical one.
and “myviewsarestillbetter”,your 69/96make me poorer by few thousand dollars.I gave up my no.to buy this khangthowjee today.Instead my no.came out 1st prize.i din strike.69/96 no sign.
sorry,typo error,they can use 3 mouth to teach,if need arises.
http://voixdeviant.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/the-rudder-sexuality-education-with-homework/
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