Recently a girlfriend admitted that until she met me, she had always thought that vaginismus was a myth – a disease that was made up, or had been eradicated in the ’80s, and most definitely did not exist in modern day.
In fact, vaginismus is a very real sexual concern that women experience, and more common than we might think.
Vaginismus is the instantaneous tightening of the muscles around the vagina when penetration of the vagina is attempted, making penetration difficult, painful or impossible. This involuntary reaction happens because the body perceives penetration as upsetting, painful (in anticipation of it), frightening, or dangerous. The mind may be willing, but the body is screaming “No Entry!”
Both the woman with vaginismus and her partner can feel very distressed, helpless, frustrated, and inadequate. She might experience self-blame and a loss of self-confidence for her inability to have penetrative sex. Inaccurate sexual information and the lack of understanding of the woman’s body will worsen the condition, often leading to alienation and even break-ups.
When Cindy*, 28, came to see me, she had already sought treatment from several gynaecologists who had examined her, found nothing physically wrong with her and told her to “just relax”. One doctor suggested she used a dilator kit, which helps expand the vaginal passage gradually, but Cindy rejected it as being too intimidating.
Melissa*, 35 and married for 10 years, has the same condition. She came to see me frustrated with the lack of concrete results after having paid top dollar to see the best gynaecologists. Melissa was examined each visit and instructed to do Kegel exercises (which consists of contracting and relaxing the muscles that form part of the pelvic floor) – but she was not told why. Like Cindy, there was little dialogue between doctor and patient.
Realising that the cause was psychological, I made sure both ladies understood their sexual anatomy (what is what and where), and the sexual response cycle (what happens during sex). We began a conversation about what she can expect to feel and what can be done to alleviate pain during penetrative sex; this conversation continued through the course of our sessions. The process to demystify what sex was and deal directly with their condition had begun.
I taught my clients a combination of breathing and relaxation techniques, physical callisthenics, and pelvic exercises which she was to do each day. The purpose was to retrain her to develop awareness and comfort with her body as well as to sensitize and strengthen her pelvic muscles. I encouraged Cindy and Melissa to each keep a journal so she could monitor her own progress, record any feelings and memories that came up, and to better remember what she would like to share with me during our sessions.
By our second session, Cindy said she felt ‘different’ physically but was unable to articulate how exactly. In her determination to overcome vaginismus, she had already been practising vaginal insertion with her dildo. I encouraged her to continue her daily practice. Also, I suggested that rather than push or force an object into her vagina, she could simply hold the dildo at the entrance of her vagina, incorporating her breathing and relaxation exercises, so her vagina would ‘open up’ and ‘receive’ naturally.
Similarly, I encouraged Melissa to purchase a dildo, smaller than the vibrator she already had, and to practise at home. She is to attempt penetration after having achieved her orgasm through self stimulation. When Melissa emailed to say she was able to do self penetration with her dildo without pain, I knew she was close to a break through.
In our third session, Cindy wondered aloud how penetrative sex would change her and her relationship. I was secretly delighted at how our conversation had progressed from what sex was about, and dealing with pain, to what might change for her emotionally when penetrative sex did happen.
Cindy was unable to see me for a few weeks due to work. However, when I next heard from her – it was fantastic news! She had been successful in penetrative sex with her partner for the first time.
Melissa had amazing news of her own! She was able to have successful penetrative sex with her husband before our third session – thrice in fact, each time better than the previous encounter. She was overjoyed, “I cannot thank you enough. You are truly God-sent. I have been struggling for so long. This is better than winning [a] one-million-dollar lottery.”
In her thank you note, Cindy wrote, “If I had not met you, I am certain that I would still be in the same position I was in a few months ago, struggling with something that I thought was near impossible.”
I saw Cindy for a fourth time where we discussed methods to better enjoy the sex she was already having. At our third session, Melissa was radiant, glowing with joy and more beautiful than I have seen her. Her husband and her are communicating more, happier than ever and enjoying every sexual experience. Both ladies are well on their way to greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction, and embracing life as a complete being.
Miracle worker, I am not. I provided Cindy and Melissa with the education, encouragement, and individualized treatment based on techniques that have been proven to work. Vaginismus is treatable.
Dr Martha Lee
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* Names have been changed to maintain client confidentiality. Permission received to tell their story.
* Testimonies: Melissa & Cindy
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Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sex and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sex educational workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.
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Has TOC started to go commercial by putting up such a large logo of a private company? I thot this is a site to discuss politics? Now we are talking sex? This article is somehow informative but to have it posted here…. perhaps I am the odd ball. Is this one of those advertorial in the form of an article?
manny, it is not an advertorial. It is a new column focusing on sexuality.
Sounds a bit ‘salah’… a little out of place for this website if you what i mean. Sure “virginismus” or what nots is a disease no one knows about, but its just wrong here i think.
Unless this is a lifestyle website. Focusing on lifestyle issues. You don’t see the Economists talking about sexuality *shrug*
erm if this is a educational piece on sexuality, then why the need to put a company’s logo in the article?
Sexuality is a topic that is not talked about enough among prudish Singaporeans. I think this sex column serves a social purpose by encouraging dialogue on sexuality, which is something that can make or break a marriage. A sex column serves another practical purpose, it draws additional readers in who might not otherwise go to TOC, which benefits its other content as well. Also, I don’t think their political content is compromised in any way — it is not as if a political writer is now tasked to write on sex from now on.
heheheh…
I thought since Day One we’ve been dealing with stories about people getting screwed one way or another. Now we’re only making it literal wat.
thats where moi skills cum in…foreprayed is a must………why go to a clinic? cum to moi lark…
if noe orgasm..free retires….untill the viagra run out….
TOC is introducing a sex education/advice column? I think it should start a new blog for its lifestyle section readers.
i find the inset picture extremely interesting. hmmmm…
TOC encouraging more procreation??
But comeon, at least edit out the more ‘juicy part’ of the story! That story is definitely too elaborative for minors.
Vaginismus ? Is there a similar version for the male organ ? Cockanismus ? Where one’s organ experience extreme muscular fatigue after prolong endless session of s*x.
i guess most people who visit TOC are not used to these sex related articles or talking about it (even though they most likely have and enjoy it), i wonder why the hostility..
i personally think that this seems a little out of place in TOC, but kinda informative – vaginismus!
Would you rather read this, or another Sumiko Tan’s tell all sexpose?
TOC is taking on the role of helping to bump up the birthrate in the little red dot as its contribution to nation building?
Since both Cindy and Mellisa have the urge,it will not be difficult for the hubby to make them high by touching here and there.I feel that this is more to a case of husband not having the experience to stimulate.I would prefer to teach them using lubricant than dildo.It is not difficult to make these “stone girl” flood the mattress.,as long as they have the urge.
Come on, guys, grow up. This is a fact of life affecting some people. What’s wrong with opening up our mind to know that it can be a problem with some people ?
Good move, it’s high time intellectual discourse on human sexuality here in Singapore progresses beyond crude colloquialism limited to the deep dark cesspits of the internet(certain forums come to mind) which break the otherwise prudish silence.
If this is an ailment with a psychological origin, then the partners probably are to be blamed in part.
Maybe not enough foreplay, too impatient or simply clueless in making the woman ready for sex.
I thought only virgins “suffer” from this. They’re not sure what to expect & they’re not 100% sure they wanna go ahead with the whole sex thing.
Something new to me. And I’m no teenager or young adult.
LOL
TOC better be careful or Thio Su Mien & Thio Li Ann will initiate takeover of TOC like they did with AWARE
Durian ah boey sek, mai luan luan lai leh, boh pah chiak OK ! Cannot all night loong.
Those who didn’t go through this will not understand how it feels.
You can get more information on this from http://www.vaginismus.com
It’s not about not having the experience to stimulate the female or not enough of foreplay. It is that the female body is phobia of sex? Could be being molested before? Therefore her body rejected when trying to have sex the first time.
Hey! I get that when i wanted to vote for opposition!
A real life story, as reported by The New Paper.
Dr Martha Lee helped the lady overcome her problem.
http://tnp.sg/news/story/0,4136,239145,00.html
I thought it’s vulva
Primary Vaginismus.
If you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God’s way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That’s because it is God’s way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don’t realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God’s will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If you’re a woman, don’t get married & don’t have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN’S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.