Dr Martha Lee
Have you ever poured ‘cold water’ over somebody else’s happiness?
In a literal translation from the Chinese language, ‘pouring cold water’ means dousing the flames of passion. This usually happens when the opposite party is feeling elated about a new love, promotion or business deal, and somebody comes along and ruins the ‘moment’.
Many moons ago, after I bumped into a friend and shared the news of my impending marriage, I was shocked beyond words when, after enquiring about the age of the groom (8 years older as a matter of fact), she said, “Yeah I am not surprised you are marrying somebody so much older. You have always been very childish.”
This came from somebody whom I had not met for over two years. We all change with time. What made her think she still knew the person I was two years ago? And who asked for her opinion? By calling me childish, what did it say about her? I was silent and kept my distance from this ‘friend’.
The marriage did end five years later but, for reasons I will not go into in this piece, the end was neither hastened nor due to my ‘childishness’.
Having rekindled lost friendships following the marriage, I was invited to the wedding of an ex-schoolmate from my Polytechnic. The only person I knew at my table was a polytechnic classmate who had brought his wife and infant son. I cooed at the adorable boy, watching as the parents fussed over him.
Out of the blue moon, this classmate said, “Don’t worry. You will be happy one day.”
In his two sentences, was he implying that:
1) I was worried that I was now single?
2) I was not happy being single?
3) I will only be happy one day after I get re-married and/ or have a child?
In reality, having come out of a psychologically abusive marriage, I couldn’t have been happier for myself. I was beginning to feel like the ‘old me’, and finally feeling hopeful and positive about life again.
Yet across from me, once again, was this classmate I hadn’t met for a good six years, telling me, in not so many words, that I was doomed for misery, and should be worried because I was alone. His thinking that one can only be happy as a member of a partnership was warped.
Don’t get me wrong; it is only human to want to love and be loved. There is much happiness and joy in being in a romantic relationship. I loved being in a relationship, being married, and growing as a person from it. Again, he was passing judgment – his verdict on my state of happiness.
In a few months time, I am planning to get married for the second time to an absolutely amazing person.
Already I am hearing reactions like, “Good!”, “Congrats!”, “It’s about time!”. The less tactful relatives are saying, “Yeah you shouldn’t be alone,” or better yet, “Don’t wait too long before you try for a baby”.
So according to the people around me so far, marrying somebody older is for people who are ‘childish’; being alone means being ‘worried’ and ‘not happy’; being married is ‘good’ and guarantees ‘not being alone’.
People can say what they want. There might be some ‘cold water’ thrown at me over this second marriage too. I will take it all in my own stride. You can only live your life the way you think is best for you.
And, well-meaning people, please think twice before you speak. Start recognising when you are already passing judgment when you say things like ‘Good’, ‘Too Bad’ and the like. You might mean well or are only trying to be kind. However, in reality, you may not necessarily be ‘helping’ but ‘pouring cold water’.
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Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.
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To inject our own perspectives into our everyday chit-chat is only human.
You should really try living as a hermit if you are really THAT sensitive to words of others….
“People can say what they want. There might be some ‘cold water’ thrown at me over this second marriage too. I will take it all in my own stride. You can only live your life the way you think is best for you.”
Don’t sound like it, you are still way too bothered by the words of someone 8 years ago. So much so that you are still writing an article about it. I bet that friend of yours can’t even remember what she said…
“I bet that friend of yours can’t even remember what she said…”
Jetreroy, that’s even sadder, right? People have been insensitive in words, and do not even realise that what they say may hurt others.
To Dr. Martha Lee, I guess I’m also, in Jetreroy’s words, the THAT sensitive type. I used to be upset on how people could be so insensitive. Do they actually think before speaking? But after all these years, and as I get older, I seriously don’t have energy anymore to think of what other people are saying. Seriously, there will always be such people in this world. Just gotta stay away from toxic people, and spend more time with true and sincere friends. I wish you all the best for your upcoming marriage!
I am unsure if I have poured “cold water” on anyone accidentally, however as I think back most of my nasty comments tend to be given to people whom I have some friction.
For an example, I do know of a lady friend whom I grew to have little patience with. Somehow she is able to push the correct buttons in me with her “serve-me-honour-me-give-it-to-me-because-I-deserve-it-and-I-want-it” behaviour. As a result I love to taunt her by finding ways to irritate her with words and/or deeds. Enjoy it when I win and loath it when she does but it is an ongoing “ping-pong” game that we somehow grew to understand and appreciate as old friends.
Thank you for your comments.
Too often we have our mouths running and brain turned off-not thinking about how our words can impact others.
Relationships truly can be damaged and even ended by inconsiderate and thoughtless words.
If the friendship is valued, then feedback to the offender may be in order. If such remarks are uttered by a stranger or someone inconsequential to you then, yes- ignore them and count them as simple being rude. (And not worth your time!)
I agree with Jetreroy.
Seriously, Dr Lee, try to grow up a little bit! While the main message of this article is something valuable, the anecdotes presented sound like an elongated whine. You know, something more suited for a personal blog, not a discussion blog.
Perhaps your friend of six years was merely responding to what he perceived as a subconscious yearning. Cooing, after all, is a very maternal action. Sort of … your mind says no, your heart says yes …
In the end, there is a bit of truth in anything anybody says, especially when they don’t mean any harm. Or else they won’t say it, because they wouldn’t believe it.
Dr Martha Lee,its in our nature to destroy ourselves,in other words what makes us human is our ability to transcend emotions,thoughts n feelings in a positive or negative manner,people may not remember what you did or said but what they will remember is how you made them feel about themselves…its sad,yup,but that’s life,reality bites Dr.Lee,you are a grown up,yet you choose to look back,life is about progression,not regression,there’s no point in looking back or turning back time,you can’t alter the past,but we can shape our own future,the only constant in life is change,so what i humbly suggest is we can either allow people to rub salt into our wounds or we can think clearly on what is best for us!
I don’t think Dr Lee is being over-sensitive. Persons like those she has quoted are judgemental and insensitive. Some of them may have good intentions but that does not make their remarks less hurtful.